My family is going on vacation without me.

This should not come as a surprise. For four consecutive summers my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, two nephews, and niece have packed their bags, loaded their cars and headed for Williamsburg, VA while my husband, my girls and I keep the fort here in Michigan.

It’s not that my family wants to enjoy their vacation without us. Quite the contrary, they would love for us to join them. However, for the past four years, my husband and I have been working hard to get our family business up and running. A vacation, of this magnitude, is simply more than we can afford during this season of our lives.

Let me clarify, a vacation of this magnitude is more than my husband can afford. Williamsburg is fourteen hours away from our home and business. Believe me; if I were to step away, the business would continue to run, just fine, but at this stage, my husband is a one man show. Due to the nature of his work he has to stay close to home, he has to keep things going.

So every year, about this time, I am plagued with the same difficult decision: should I stay or should I go.

Just yesterday, I sent a text to my friend: I’ve decided to stay, that is of course unless I decide to go! Such is the state of my brain for all of July and most of August.

The decision to either stay or go weighs heavy on my heart every year, and this year the tug to go and the struggle to make a decision seem stronger and more difficult than ever.

If I go with my family I am choosing to leave my husband. How can I leave him? How can I let him work and sacrifice, while the rest of us go play? Could I ever truly enjoy a vacation without him by my side?

If I stay home I feel like I’m missing on out on time that is precious to my family, my girls, and me.

As I sort through these questions and weigh my options I am beginning to realize that my struggle to make a decision is not about the vacation. It’s about desire, trust, and a heart divided.

In and of itself, my desire to be a part of my family’s vacation isn’t bad. I long for the beauty and tranquility I find whenever I have a chance to leave my everyday surroundings. I long for time with my mom and dad, my sister and her family. I long to see my girls enjoy playtime their cousins. I want the blessing, the glory, and the peace that this yearly trip to Williamsburg has come to represent.

While speaking with a friend last week the following words flew out of my mouth completely uninhibited, “I’m afraid that if I don’t take advantage of this chance to go, I’ll never get to enjoy this time with my family.”

I’m afraid? I’m afraid. Yes, that’s it, I thought.

I’m afraid to trust God with this desire for blessing, glory, and peace. I’m afraid to trust that my husband and I will ever be able to enjoy a vacation or time with the people we love. I’m afraid that our business will never grow big enough, strong enough, successful enough to support us.

These are my fears. I’m afraid to trust God with each of these things, and this is why the desire to join my family and go to Williamsburg is burning me whole.

Blessing, glory, peace. I don’t know about you, but to me, these three words mean a lot. They are exactly what I long for in a vacation and they are exactly what I struggle to believe God has for my family, for our business, for me.

With these things in mind, I knew that before I could make a decision, I needed to spend time with God. I needed to take my fears and desires to Him and seek His wisdom and truth.

Next week in a Time for Work (Part Two) I will share the amazing things God has shown me through our time together.

In the meantime, what represents blessing, glory, and peace to you? What things do you struggle to trust God with? What difficult decision are you struggling with or what makes your heart divided?

I’d love to hear from you.