But the week that was harder than I imagined, and now my heart feels anything but strong and confident. Rather, I feel weak and vulnerable and incredibly fragile.
I’m in a pit. A deep, dark pit. No one knows. My family, I’m sure, can sense that I’m not myself, that something’s not quite right, but they have no idea how much I’m struggling.
On the outside the struggle is simple. My mom is recovering from surgery and the care of the household is riding on my shoulders. I’m struggling with dishes, and laundry, and meals for the seven people that fill up this house. I’m struggling to keep up with homeschooling and writing, while being a gentle and patient mom and wife.
But there’s also this inward struggle. I’m desperate for time to write. For time to tap out more than a blog on my phone while nursing Belle.
I keep going to God. I pray, I read, I pray I read, searching for comfort, searching for help but He seems far away and mad at me.
He knows I’m a horrible daughter.
He knows I’m neglecting my kids, my husband, and Him.
He knows if I’d just get up earlier or go to bed later I’d have the time I need to write.
Why do I keep coming to Him with these failings and excuses? With these out of control emotions when the answers are so simple?
He knows I should be thankful, aware of all He’s giving.
But this isn’t Him, this isn’t His voice. It’s the voice that’s out to get me. Out to keep me in the pit.
Life is hard right now. It’s far from ideal, and as John Eldredge writes in his book, Desire, “I must have life. I cannot arrange for it.”
Circumstances have created a challenge, a hurdle, and if I’m not careful, if I’m not vigilant in this fight for joy, this battle for my heart, I will get taken out.
Throughout this awful week I’ve been under attack and I didn’t even realize it, I didn’t know. The enemy disguised his voice and tricked me so well. I thought it was me, I thought it was God.
Sometimes it’s not the storm but the spiritual battle within the storm that lands us in the pit. And sometimes realizing you’re in a battle is the weapon you need to stand up and fight.
The life I desire, the life I need, can only be given by God. At times like these, as I wait on Him, I have to understand how vulnerable I am, how much I need His protection.
Why wouldn’t the enemy capitalize on the situation I’m in? On the vulnerable place in my heart? It’s the perfect set up for victory. His arrows almost got me but I see them for what they are.
I’m not crazy.
I’m not a bad daughter.
I do need sleep.
I’m doing what I can to turn to my Savior, to find time in my day to write.
I’m trying my best to be thankful.
At the end of my week, at the end of my rope, God gave me clarity, He gave me strength. He met me in my heart and gave me what I needed to live outside the pit.
I have no idea when I’ll be able to write but God knows what I need, He knows my heart, and I know He’ll make a way.
With joy and peace and His magnificent armor around me I’ll be okay. I’ll be more than okay. I’ll be protected, provided for, loved.
My God is the God of Angel Armies. He has my back.
And I have Him.