What You Have to Know About Today

 

IMG_5847For God’s Message of Hope…

So what is it about the summer that makes the kids grow?

Clearly, there’s the sun, the sky, the gobs of fresh air. But there’s also the fact that summer was made for childhood, and inherently a child knows they must rise to the occasion. As they rise they have this way of growing like rows of emerald corn. Bright. Tall. Wholesome. Sweet. They stretch to the sky before our eyes.

This summer My Blessing grew into the pureness and fullness of seven. She grew into books and adventure and a love for testing the laws of nature.

God’s Promise grew into one. Leaving baby days behind a little more each day she embraced the wonders of a toddler’s world. She grew into words, and slides, and big attempts, despite her little size, to do just what her sisters do.

And Hope…oh, my Hope Girl As the heat of summer fades, Hope’s days of being four are dipping below the horizon like a shining sliver of orange sun.

Skin to SkinI don’t know what it is about the change from four to five but it gets me every time. It catches my breath and startles me, catching me off guard.

I remember this moment when My Blessing was about to turn five. How the hot arrow of realization struck me and singed my heart with knowing that My Blessing, age four, was about to be gone forever. Never to be seen or known again.

And now here I am with Hope savoring her fourness. Savoring her suckin’ fingers, and golden hair. Her faithful friend Froggy and twirling dresses. Her Barbies, and dolls, and princessy, glittery, has to be every-shade-of-PINK-under-the-sun-things.

Her tiny wisp of a voice.

Her heart that beats for Daddy.

Her half-pint size still not quite too heavy to pick up and squeeze and hold.

And I know these things won’t leave completely as she flutters her wings into five. But five brings us ever closer to that dreaded precipice. To that place and time when Barbies and dolls and dresses that twirl will lose the fight to friends, and make-up, and dresses that twirl boys’ heads.

Tenley HandLast night at bedtime I held her. I snuggled her so close she squeaked. I kissed her all over her face and looked long and deep into her sapphire blue eyes.

“Mommy, what are you doing to me?” She said with half a giggle and half a groan.

“I’m memorizing you,” I said. “I know I’m going to fall head over heels in love with Hope, age five, but boy am I going to miss, My Hope Girl, age four.”

To this she simply smiled, grabbed her Froggy, and rolled over, ready for the sweetest of dreams.

And, sure, she can roll her eyes and shake her head over her crazy mama. (Two gestures of appreciation, I am sure, have only just begun…) Of course she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand. But someday….

Someday God’s Message of Hope, age 34, will sit on the edge of a bed. She’ll look long and deep into eyes that look just like her own and she’ll know.

Mama wasn’t crazy. These days ARE fleeting and few.

 Each one a masterpiece, a summer sunset.

 Created, given, and meant to be savored.

For When You Feel A Little Lost (and God won’t hand you a map)

 

img_6063So a funny thing happened to me. Somewhere around Mother’s Day, I just stopped writing. 

One week away from my blog and my book crept its way into two. Two weeks spiraled to three, and three stole into four. I’d taken breaks before but never quite like this. This felt different. This was different. My words had packed and gone away. Dried up, disappeared, vanished.

Was something wrong? Was this okay? It felt so unlike me.

Writing is not just my hobby; something I do on a whim just for fun. It’s my life. My joy. My calling. Thus my confusion when my words just stopped. When the voice in my head that speaks in pages went mute. When my heart (Motivation? Inspiration? Muse?) for writing went MIA.

Again and again I asked God what was this all about. If He could shed some light? Clue me in? Help me out? I could get back to work or enjoy a long rest with peace of mind and heart.

Weeks turned to months (gasp!) but God didn’t answer. I asked and I waited and life went on. Our family’s business and home building project continued to grow a little each day. I kept on schooling my oldest two despite the onset of summer. We worked hard. We played hard. My best friend moved 1,000 miles away.

All kinds of things were happening in and around me but this only added to my confusion. Usually my writing is how I work through things. It’s how I make sense of life. So why the silence? Why did my words just up and leave when I needed them the most?

It would be nice to say a breakthrough came like a fireworks display. But that wouldn’t be the truth, at least not quite.

God did speak one late summer day while I prayed and asked once more…

Me (for something like the thousandth time): God, I feel like there’s all this stuff going on inside me and yet I can’t put words to anything anymore. They’re in me somewhere, but I can’t find them. I just can’t get the words out.

God (finally): Dearest, it’s okay. I want you to write when you find you can’t keep the words in.

Oh my sweet Jesus! He always knows just what to say. He didn’t answer all my questions but  in this little whisper of truth He gave me what I needed. Permission to wait and rest. Permission to fill up on all the things that make me burst with words.

Afternoons beside the lake

Golden haired girls with books in their hands

Teaching young minds

Reading good books

The dream of a house sitting real on a hill

The smell of hard work on his skin

The feel of her cheek against mine

Family

Friends

Fall tinged days

Fill up on these things,” He said. “Because filling on these things is filling on Me, and the words will come…”

This morning I heard it again. That voice inside my head. At first I didn’t even notice it as it scribbled out its pages. I was going through motions, just making my bed when suddenly I realized; it’s back! (And going on so nonchalant as if it never left.)

God? Is it time?” I asked. But the voice kept chabbering on. I could feel His proud papa smile on me as He answered, “What do you think, dearest?

So here I am, returned to this blog, to this little space in time. To this space created  by little me to tell of His big love.

I’m not sure what the coming weeks and months and years will bring. Having just gotten my words back I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m afraid they’ll scamper off…

But outside the trees are starting to turn my favorite color of fall. Books are stacked all over my house, and dreams are all around me. 

God is all over me. I’m full of Him and His spirit and no lack of anything can change that.

His mysterious ways while not always or completely understood are, in fact, always and completely perfect.

 And writing? 

 Writing feels like home.