So a funny thing happened to me. Somewhere around Mother’s Day, I just stopped writing.
One week away from my blog and my book crept its way into two. Two weeks spiraled to three, and three stole into four. I’d taken breaks before but never quite like this. This felt different. This was different. My words had packed and gone away. Dried up, disappeared, vanished.
Was something wrong? Was this okay? It felt so unlike me.
Writing is not just my hobby; something I do on a whim just for fun. It’s my life. My joy. My calling. Thus my confusion when my words just stopped. When the voice in my head that speaks in pages went mute. When my heart (Motivation? Inspiration? Muse?) for writing went MIA.
Again and again I asked God what was this all about. If He could shed some light? Clue me in? Help me out? I could get back to work or enjoy a long rest with peace of mind and heart.
Weeks turned to months (gasp!) but God didn’t answer. I asked and I waited and life went on. Our family’s business and home building project continued to grow a little each day. I kept on schooling my oldest two despite the onset of summer. We worked hard. We played hard. My best friend moved 1,000 miles away.
All kinds of things were happening in and around me but this only added to my confusion. Usually my writing is how I work through things. It’s how I make sense of life. So why the silence? Why did my words just up and leave when I needed them the most?
It would be nice to say a breakthrough came like a fireworks display. But that wouldn’t be the truth, at least not quite.
God did speak one late summer day while I prayed and asked once more…
Me (for something like the thousandth time): God, I feel like there’s all this stuff going on inside me and yet I can’t put words to anything anymore. They’re in me somewhere, but I can’t find them. I just can’t get the words out.
God (finally): Dearest, it’s okay. I want you to write when you find you can’t keep the words in.
Oh my sweet Jesus! He always knows just what to say. He didn’t answer all my questions but in this little whisper of truth He gave me what I needed. Permission to wait and rest. Permission to fill up on all the things that make me burst with words.
Afternoons beside the lake
Golden haired girls with books in their hands
Teaching young minds
Reading good books
The dream of a house sitting real on a hill
The smell of hard work on his skin
The feel of her cheek against mine
Family
Friends
Fall tinged days
“Fill up on these things,” He said. “Because filling on these things is filling on Me, and the words will come…”
This morning I heard it again. That voice inside my head. At first I didn’t even notice it as it scribbled out its pages. I was going through motions, just making my bed when suddenly I realized; it’s back! (And going on so nonchalant as if it never left.)
“God? Is it time?” I asked. But the voice kept chabbering on. I could feel His proud papa smile on me as He answered, “What do you think, dearest?”
So here I am, returned to this blog, to this little space in time. To this space created by little me to tell of His big love.
I’m not sure what the coming weeks and months and years will bring. Having just gotten my words back I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m afraid they’ll scamper off…
But outside the trees are starting to turn my favorite color of fall. Books are stacked all over my house, and dreams are all around me.
God is all over me. I’m full of Him and His spirit and no lack of anything can change that.
His mysterious ways while not always or completely understood are, in fact, always and completely perfect.
And writing?
Writing feels like home.
This was beautiful. And I totally understand filling up on the things that fill us up with words. Sometimes there’s so many and sometimes there’s none. I think words will always be in our souls but not always to be written down. For me it’s the fair. In the summer it slips off but there’s something about the fair, suddenly there’s words again.
You are speaking my language…as I knew you would. As writers I think it’s easy to have this belief that you should always be writing or you should always have the right words at your disposal but I’m learning that it doesn’t always work that way and that’s okay. Sometimes things happen in life that drain us and sometimes we have a way of draining ourselves. This year has looked very different for me as a writer but I think I’m learning and growing in ways that ultimately are going to make me so much better. Learning to write from a heart that is full seems basic but somewhere I lost sight of it and it took losing my words for a while to finally get them back.
Thanks Jennifer.
I wondered where you were. I thought maybe I was removed from your blog list. So glad to see I’m still there. I really enjoy what you write. It always brightens my day and thanks for sharing your experience.
Thank you, Terri for these kind words! It’s good to be back!
Thank you for this post, friend! What a beautiful perspective on the dried up (ink)well. It’s not that the words won’t come, it’s that you need to refill your well with all the beautiful things that make us react with words. Put pen to paper, girl!
Thank you! That is just what I hope to do!
This is how I have been feeling too! It’s so confusing not to write I haven’t even been able to pray in the same way that I normally do. And all has just seemed too much. I feel very displaced in so many areas of my life. Thank you for writing this and sharing your beauty. I love you and you’re writing!
Love you, too, Lynne! We’re in this together. I’m learning that there are different seasons to writing just as there are with every other area of life. What’s most important is that we don’t give up and lean into God through each one. He’s always up to something and it is always for our good.
This is a very nice post.
It reminds me of counting gifts.
Beautiful.
Thank you, Court! As a huge Voskamp fan and avid gift counter that means a lot to me! Never stop counting the ways He loves!
Good to see you back Jennifer, but also you are so young and don’t put pressure on yourself. God might have been teaching you to listen this summer…..your kids are only little once and you need not be in a hurry or worry. I thought it was you that had a blog post lately about not letting your blog be a hog. Was that you? Let me tell you, your kids grow up super duper fast! Write when you are inspired- you are listening to that still small voice of the Holy Spirit! Good job! Hope to see you at Breathe or Maranatha!
Oh sweet,Myrna! Thank you so much! Your words are wise and true and I need to be reminded of them just about everyday I think. God is definitely teaching me all kinds of things and you are so right! My little ones are at the heart of all I do and I wouldn’t have it any other way because they are only littles ones once and these days are precious! I am planning to make it to Breathe this year. Can’t wait to see you there!
So excited to see your post today. Reading your words is like hearing your voice right in your living room. We so missed seeing you all this summer. We were looking forward to seeing your property and hearing your dreams. Hopefully we will be back that way next year. For now I will be content to hear your voice in your words. Love you all.
Oh, Vanessa! Thank you so much! We missed seeing you guys too but know this was no ordinary summer for the Blum family. We have had fun keeping tabs on all the amazing blessings God has sent your way and we are thankful for each one because you guys are so faithful…you deserve each one of them! Thank you for your encouraging words. One of my greatest hopes and dreams as a writer is to communicate well with the voice God has given to me. We can’t wait for the day when we can open our front door and see you and Dave and Hannah standing on the other side. It’s coming soon…I know it is…in when it does it will truly be a dream come true. Love you so much!
Jen, Just happened to look at your blog tonight to see if you had written anything new as I do from time to time and found this! I always enjoy your perspective and am impressed by the wisdom you have and insights you share with others.
Thanks, Kathy! That means so much. It’s been a little while but I hope to be able to keep it going now that I feel like I’m getting my rhythm back a bit. God’s love is too big and too great to ever stay silent for long!