Tag Archives: Heart

When It’s Hard to Find Your Bearings

Posted on by
1

A few weeks ago during the NCAA basketball tournament I watched a post-game interview with North Carolina’s coach, Roy Williams, and his star ball-handler, Joel Berry.

The game had been pretty harry. As a huge fan of North Carolina I watched with my hands over my eyes, peeking between my fingers, as my Tar Heels almost gave the game away to Arkansas in the second round.

“Joel, how did you manage to take control of the game at the end of the second half when Arkansas had your team against the ropes?” the reporter asked.

“It was tough. We were struggling as a team and nothing seemed to be working until Coach told me to just get lost. He said, go out there and get lost in the game and do what you know how to do. And that’s what I did, and thankfully we were able to come away with a win.”

Get lost in the game…

Do what you know how to do…

When I heard this I loved it! And I claimed these words as my own.

For weeks I’ve been caught up and a little bit lost in hundreds of decisions concerning the home building project Mr. Wonderful and I started this January.

Flooring, faucets, paint colors, lights, appliances, trim… the list of details seems endless. And while I have loved every minute of this long awaited process my writing has been put on hold until this part of the project is finished.

Now, with our list of selections turned into our builder I’m free to start writing again but I’m struggling to find my bearings. It’s been weeks since I’ve blogged or worked on my story and it’s hard to know where to start. I’m excited and scared and nervous and why does it seem like the first steps are always the hardest?

And again, the words of Coach Williams ring in my mind and my heart. Becoming more than just the words of a beloved coach, they’ve adopted the voice of King Jesus.

Just go out there and get lost…

Do what you know how to do…

When I was growing up I took years and years of piano lessons. I loved the music and the notes and played my favorites, Canon in D and Fur Elise, over and over again. The times that were the sweetest were the moments when I got lost in the music. While my fingers kept playing notes…notes that had become an extension of me…my mind wandered far away and the music somehow kept flowing. Without even thinking about what I was doing the music turned into magic, a spell of my own creation.

Moments like these never ceased to amaze me and it was for moments like these that I kept trying, and failing, and learning, and playing.

Now writing is the magic I covet, and as I look to dive back into to my world of words and stories I know the only real way to do it successfully is to let myself get lost.

Get lost in the words…

Get lost in the story…

And do what I know how to do…

In music, in writing, in life.

 In all things good and noble and worth the doing.

 Sometimes we just have to get lost before we find our way.

For When You Just Want to Shut Down and Stop Your Heart from Bleeding

Posted on by
Reply

 

Tarheel PinA few weeks ago I posted a blog about what to do when your life feels like a March Madness buzzer beater and you’re on the losing team. Little did I know this was just the fate that would soon befall my beloved UNC Tarheels.

For anyone not into the drama of college basketball and the NCAA tournament, last Monday the University of North Carolina went head to head against Villanova in the championship game. With just seconds left on the clock Carolina’s Marcus Paige made an epic three point shot to tie the game and force what everyone thought would be an overtime square off.

But it wasn’t to be.

As the last tenths of a second ticked away Villanova’s Kris Jenkins shot a game winning three pointer destroying hopes and dreams of a UNC victory.

Going from the ultimate college basketball high to the ultimate low I watched my favorite players leave the court looking stunned, distraught, and dejected; my feelings, tumultuous as they were, surely only a fraction of what they were feeling.

To say the least it was heartbreaking.

Now I know the world of college basketball and all that transpires in the throws of March Madness is small cookies compared to the battles taking place in the real world. It’s a micro issue, respectively, but even still it stirs the hearts of those invested. I know it rattled mine.

And if nothing else, it has served this week as a reminder to me of a truth that matters in all of life’s battles both big and small:

Those who love deeply, hurt deeply. 

 

It happens all the time, the temptation to save your skin and your heart from pain. To check out, give up, ignore, don’t look, don’t touch, don’t feel. Don’t listen, don’t see, invest, get involved. Don’t go deeper. Don’t be real. And for heaven’s sake don’t let yourself be vulnerable. Because pain is always involved when you give your heart away. 

All day Monday I fought a subtle urge to not even watch the game. If they lose, I thought, I don’t want to see it. The disappointment that would cause the players…Coach Roy…me… would just be too unbearable.

But that game? That game! And, yeah, I got burned in the end…But how could I miss that game? 

When you find yourself hurting deeply, take heart! It means you loved deeply. And what has the Savior shown us about life but that loving deeply is the only way to really and truly live? 

All the things we love, the big and the small, it matters! It matters to Him. It matters to the story of your life.

When you start to get that feeling, that temptation to stop right there, to go no further, to look away, stop and think for a minute. Don’t just think about what you want to avoid, imagine what you’ll miss by shutting down your heart:

That relationship

That sunrise

That victory

That wholeness

That health

That smile

Laughter

Kisses

Welcome home hugs

Knowing what you’re made of

Knowing what He’s made of

Knowing what forgiveness feels like 

A life with as few regrets as possible

For all my Carolina dreams of winning the national championship, for all life’s battles both big and small, for all the deeply hurting, perhaps Garth Brooks said it best in the words of his classic song: 

“And now

I”m glad I didn’t know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives

Are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I’d have had to miss

The dance” *

Lean in. Invest. Be open. Stay open. Stay. In. The. Pool. Be you. Be real. Give your heart away. Give your heart to Him.

And whatever you, no matter what, don’t abandon the big dance for the sake of all the madness.

No, grab your Cinderella slippers and linger after midnight.

*Lyrics from The Dance by Tony Arata

How to Stop the Tiresome Striving (with a little lesson from Max)

Posted on by
4

Still HotI looked at the bottom line: $ 1,800.00 to homeschool my girls this fall, IF we do all the things I’d like to do. The video tools, the new curriculums, the local classical group.

But how in the world? I wondered. How will we ever come up with the money and still make ends meet. 

The answer is simple: we won’t. According to my husband, and President of Allen Party of Five, we won’t go into debt or jeopardize the rest of our expenses just to do the latest and greatest in the homeschooling world.

Part of me wholeheartedly agrees. I can easily and effectively homeschool my girls using materials I already have for far less, and I know in the end we’ll be fine.

But there’s this other part of me. There’s this voice that says it won’t be enough. Without the latest and greatest my girls will miss out. I’ll miss out on important resources and opportunities.

MaxAnd there’s these other things going on with me:

There’s this compulsion to eat. To gobble up anything and everything that has sugar as a main ingredient. There’s this impulse to spend money. To buy this or order that. Something doesn’t feel right, I think as I scarf down a cupcake. I know better, this isn’t me, I muse as my curser hovers over the Confirm Order button.

And there’s also this complacency that’s perhaps the most troubling of all. This lack of a desire to write. To be still and commune with God. To resist the things that bring real, true life.

After three weeks of this behavior I stopped to listen to the voice that kept saying, this isn’t me. I stopped and asked God to show me, on the level of my heart, what this homeschool anxiety, sugar addiction, and compulsion to buy was really about.

In the stillness and the quiet He whispered three words:

Validation

Satisfaction

Joy

That’s what’s at play here. In my heart this is what I’m longing for. Striving for. To feel validated as a homeschooling mom. To feel satisfied and full. To feel real, true, joy.

The tiresome spirit of striving, the urge to make things happen, worms into my heart and mind in seemingly harmless ways, and before I know it I find myself caught in a wormhole of vices, addictions and counterfeit Gods. 

God has spread a banquet before me. His banner over me is love, and all I want is to eat at McDonalds. I want fast food when I need the bread of life. I want a quick fix when I need to slow and taste and see that He alone is good.

What other validation matters? What other satisfaction lasts? What other joy could be so complete? Where can I find any of these things except in Him?

Wild RumpusWhen I saw the striving for what it was, I asked God to come and rescue me, to disarm the meddlesome force. I asked Him to forgive me for all the ways I’d tried to fill the void in my heart with sugar and shine and things that weren’t Him.

I returned to my Savior and His banquet for me. To His soaring banner of love.

It sort of reminds me of Max, the little boy in the famous book, Where the Wild Things Are. How Max goes off to live and roam and romp with the wild things thinking this is what he wanted, thinking this would satisfy the ache in his soul. But in the end he found the wild things weren’t what he wanted or needed at all so he left the wild things and sailed for home.

When the wild things call, when they come with striving, compulsions, and things that make you think, this isn’t me…

Remember the banquet. Remember the feast and the banner over your head. Remember who you belong to, the source of all you want, the giver of all you need.

And sail for home. 

Be like Max who returned to “the night of his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him

and it was still hot.”*

*(From Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak)

For the Weak, the Weary, the Fragile

Posted on by
3

Frustrated FourI wrote a blog this week. It was full of hope and reminders of God’s faithful promises. I wrote it from a place of strength and confidence at the start of what I knew was sure to be a tough week. 

But the week that was harder than I imagined, and now my heart feels anything but strong and confident. Rather, I feel weak and vulnerable and incredibly fragile. 

I’m in a pit. A deep, dark pit. No one knows. My family, I’m sure, can sense that I’m not myself, that something’s not quite right, but they have no idea how much I’m struggling.

On the outside the struggle is simple. My mom is recovering from surgery and the care of the household is riding on my shoulders. I’m struggling with dishes, and laundry, and meals for the seven people that fill up this house. I’m struggling to keep up with homeschooling and writing, while being a gentle and patient mom and wife.

But there’s also this inward struggle. I’m desperate for time to write. For time to tap out more than a blog on my phone while nursing Belle.

I keep going to God. I pray, I read, I pray I read, searching for comfort, searching for help but He seems far away and mad at me.

He knows I’m a horrible daughter.

He knows I’m neglecting my kids, my husband, and Him.

He knows if I’d just get up earlier or go to bed later I’d have the time I need to write.

Why do I keep coming to Him with these failings and excuses? With these out of control emotions when the answers are so simple? 

He knows I should be thankful, aware of all He’s giving.

But this isn’t Him, this isn’t His voice. It’s the voice that’s out to get me. Out to keep me in the pit.

Life is hard right now. It’s far from ideal, and as John Eldredge writes in his book, Desire, “I must have life. I cannot arrange for it.”

Circumstances have created a challenge, a hurdle, and if I’m not careful, if I’m not vigilant in this fight for joy, this battle for my heart, I will get taken out. 

Throughout this awful week I’ve been under attack and I didn’t even realize it, I didn’t know. The enemy disguised his voice and tricked me so well. I thought it was me, I thought it was God.

Sometimes it’s not the storm but the spiritual battle within the storm that lands us in the pit. And sometimes realizing you’re in a battle is the weapon you need to stand up and fight.

The life I desire, the life I need, can only be given by God. At times like these, as I wait on Him, I have to understand how vulnerable I am, how much I need His protection. 

Why wouldn’t the enemy capitalize on the situation I’m in? On the vulnerable place in my heart? It’s the perfect set up for victory. His arrows almost got me but I see them for what they are.

I’m not crazy.

I’m not a bad daughter.

I do need sleep.

I’m doing what I can to turn to my Savior, to find time in my day to write.

I’m trying my best to be thankful.

At the end of my week, at the end of my rope, God gave me clarity, He gave me strength. He met me in my heart and gave me what I needed to live outside the pit. 

I have no idea when I’ll be able to write but God knows what I need, He knows my heart, and I know He’ll make a way.

With joy and peace and His magnificent armor around me I’ll be okay. I’ll be more than okay. I’ll be protected, provided for, loved.

My God is the God of Angel Armies. He has my back.

And I have Him.

The “Push Present” I Want Most (And How You Can Help)

Posted on by
8

BellyIf you’ve been following this blog for the last few months you probably know that my husband and I are expecting our third baby this February. What you may not know is that my due date is just a couple weeks away!

I’m as excited as I can be but I’m also nervous, scared, and wondering what God has in store. There is so much about a new baby and labor and delivery that is impossible to know ahead of time, and it’s the unknown that tends to freak me out.

This whole blog started in the aftermath of my daughter, Tenley’s, birth three years ago. By aftermath, I mean a very unexpected bout with postpartum depression that led me into a dark time of sadness and regret. (Read more about this journey here).

After several months God did a deeply redeeming work in my life by using my delivery experience with Tenley to lead me back to my writing. When He reintroduced me to my paper and pen a whole world opened up before me and I haven’t looked back since.

I am so completely thankful for this experience but as I gear up for “VBAC Delivery Part 2” I can’t help but wonder, What if…

What if history repeats itself?

What if this delivery doesn’t go the way I hope it will?

What if I end up in that dark place again?

For the most part these are just thoughts. They haven’t taken root or left me shaken. I have so many good things in my life right now that were not in existence when Tenley was born:

A passion for writing that keeps me focused, nurtured, and fed.

A circle of friends who love and support me.

A church we call home.

New understandings of God and His love.

These, along with my family, are my safeguards and I’m thankful for each one of them.

So here I am, What If’s aside, preparing my heart and mind for another attempt at a natural birth. I wish I could tell you exactly why this whole birth thing means so much to me, but I can’t…at least not completely.

I do know there is something about birth I believe to be sacred; it’s one of the many ways God shows his redeeming love.

I know I like to test myself, see where my limits are and how far I can push them.

I know my approach to birth is much like my approach to life. When pain comes along I want to feel it, not numb my heart and soul to that which is uncomfortable. I want to rely deeply on God and lean into trials with all of my heart, experiencing joy, pain, and life to the fullest.

This fall I read a line in the book The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne Valente. This line, to me, is exquisite because it captures so perfectly what I feel about life. What I feel about family, friendship, writing, birth, and everything important to me…

“And it’s the wonders I’m after, even if I have to bleed for them.” (pg 36)

This birth thing…I guess more than anything…it’s me chasing wonders.

It isn’t easy for me to share this with you, even though I love you, my readers, so dearly. I have more than a few people in my life who are convinced I’m crazy for wanting to have a natural birth and chances are a few of you most likely agree with them. And that’s okay. We all have our wonders we’re willing to chase…willing to bleed for. You may not get mine. I may not get yours but we can still support each other if we’re willing to be vulnerable, and honest, and true.

And that’s what I’m hoping you’ll do. Enter this journey with me. Help me chase this wonder.

Eight years ago, my wonder chasing looked less like having babies and more like running a marathon. As I labored through all 26.2 miles of the Marine Core Marathon, I was supported by family and friends through phone calls, text messages, and voicemails. Each one kept me going. Each one gave me that extra “umph” to run another mile.

So I thought, wouldn’t it be helpful? Wouldn’t it be nice to run this journey with a similar arsenal, a similar support team to cheer me on?

I think so.

With all my heart I hope and pray this blog in some way big or small helps you chase the wonders that are close to your heart. Will you help me chase one of mine?

Will you give me the “push-present” I want most: Your love, your support, your encouragement? Will you leave a comment here? On Facebook? Via email? Will you keep my family and me in your prayers?

It feels a little desperate, a little shameless to ask, but I think that’s just my pride talking. The heart of me knows it’s okay to ask, it’s okay to be real, honest me. It’s okay to invite you in.

Because, we’re in this life together. Chasing one beautiful, bold, amazing, wonder at a time.

What wonders are you chasing these days? I’d love to hear from you! As always, your comments and posts are precious to me and I read every one!

Three Ways to Reach Me:

Comment below

Find me on Facebook: Jennifer Allen

Write to me at: jenniferallen@onceuponawriter.com